Dear Facebook:

As if creeping through photos of friends of friends wasn't conspicuous enough from afar, thanks for adding a new function that makes it look like you're going through a freaking holiday/PowerPoint slideshow.

Positive visualisation.

Dear GRE,

You are going to get your ass kicked. I've had it with your soul-sucking. I've had it with you making me miserable and a depressive bitch all week. Who do you think you are, strutting around with your invisible magic elves judging how clever I am, giving me anxiety attacks. I don't fucking need this. I'm going to be heading your way tomorrow with an ego like Kanye West's to destroy you. I'm going to make you my bitch. And then I'm going to ingest a fuckload of alcohol and nicotine into my system to celebrate. I'd let you finish, except Imma finish you first. PREPARE TO DIE.

-V.

My love is rekindled.

Dear Ryan, or "Dr. Party Pants, DRA":

Why was I not aware of how amazing/ridiculous your Facebook page is? Why is your new site such a mind fuck/assault on the senses? Why do I keep caring so much?

Whatever. You know from my first letter that I'm not up this video-gamey-metal-screamy alley. So I'm somewhat appeased by the news that you'll be releasing a double-album with the good ol' Cardinals again. But like, I dunno, looking at the track list, should I be worried about songs like "Star Wars" and "Kill the Lights" (which I presume won't be a cover of Britney)?

I'm such a terrible fan. I don't mean to be condescending. I do have faith in you, on account of this gem:

Ryan, what is this nonsense about you being half-deaf?! It's utter bullshit. So here's my pep talk. After more than a year's hiatus, you obviously still have it. You don't need this electric futuristic experimental clowning around. You don't need to tack on some band to your name. You don't even need an audience. Just be that traveling hobo-country-prince you were born to be with Mandy as a sidekick. It is the way to go, trust.

And yet, having said all that and despite my nostalgia, I must end with this: Ryan Adams, never change your crazy ways.

Sincerely,

Victoria

An open letter to Ryan Adams

Dear Ryan,

Let me begin by saying I really, really like your music. I will never tire of listening to Gold, I love what you did with the Cardinals, and I love Easy Tiger even though it was a bit of a whore for Starbucks. I love your endearing douchiness and pretensions in interviews, and I can put up with those hipster glasses and the bad blonde dye job you had and Mandy Moore because when you're on the ball with those lyrics and guitar, you are on. And when you dress well along with all that, you can be kind of hot.

See?

Needless to say, I was mildly devastated to learn that you were calling it quits for a while because of hearing problems -I haven't even had the chance to go to a concert yet. So to find out just today that you are coming out with a new album that was recorded back in 2006 should be incredibly joyous news right?

Except. WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE THIS.

Ryan, what are you doing? This is even more confusing than Halloweenhead. Why, WHY are you singing like that? Is this a tragic side-effect of being deaf in one ear? And did I just hear you scream "Metal, metaaal!" And can you explain to me what a "Sci-fi metal concept album" even is??!

Ryan, I need to tell you that only someone like Bob Dylan can get away with doing whatever the fuck he wants like put out a crazy, kind of terrifying and unlistenable Christmas album because well, he's Bob Dylan. But you, you can legit sing and play the guitar! Why pull a Joaquin Phoenix? Go back to country. Go back to harmonica intros. Go back to sweet female harmonies. Go back to lines like "Everybody wants to go forever/I just wanna burn up hard and bright." Just don't, you know, actually self-destruct like this.

Love,

Victoria