An open letter to Ryan Adams

Dear Ryan,

Let me begin by saying I really, really like your music. I will never tire of listening to Gold, I love what you did with the Cardinals, and I love Easy Tiger even though it was a bit of a whore for Starbucks. I love your endearing douchiness and pretensions in interviews, and I can put up with those hipster glasses and the bad blonde dye job you had and Mandy Moore because when you're on the ball with those lyrics and guitar, you are on. And when you dress well along with all that, you can be kind of hot.

See?

Needless to say, I was mildly devastated to learn that you were calling it quits for a while because of hearing problems -I haven't even had the chance to go to a concert yet. So to find out just today that you are coming out with a new album that was recorded back in 2006 should be incredibly joyous news right?

Except. WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE THIS.

Ryan, what are you doing? This is even more confusing than Halloweenhead. Why, WHY are you singing like that? Is this a tragic side-effect of being deaf in one ear? And did I just hear you scream "Metal, metaaal!" And can you explain to me what a "Sci-fi metal concept album" even is??!

Ryan, I need to tell you that only someone like Bob Dylan can get away with doing whatever the fuck he wants like put out a crazy, kind of terrifying and unlistenable Christmas album because well, he's Bob Dylan. But you, you can legit sing and play the guitar! Why pull a Joaquin Phoenix? Go back to country. Go back to harmonica intros. Go back to sweet female harmonies. Go back to lines like "Everybody wants to go forever/I just wanna burn up hard and bright." Just don't, you know, actually self-destruct like this.

Love,

Victoria