Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock

I'm on a post-midnight movie binge these days, in addition to and as a counterbalance to my trips through the past with the classics. I think I deliberately wait until a ridiculous hour to justify selecting a mainstream blockbuster that I can veg out to in bed. I don't even mean that in a snotty way, because all the movies so far -Inglourious Basterds,The Frog Princess -have been darn excellent. I'm just catching up on the buzz from months ago, that's all. I'll admit that my mouse has maneuvered towards and away from clicking Valentine's Day several times, but I do have some standards, still.

My latest late night viewing was In The Loop, which is somewhat an anomaly considering I'd only heard of it once on the gossip forum I frequent (what? at least it's not Perez) and it didn't generate any buzz here in North America, though it was nominated for an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay.

The political satire on the behind-the-scenes madness between the British and US government's fangled negotiations, miscommunications and decisions over starting a war in the Middle East contains everything I love about British comedy a la The Office -deglamourised docu-drama with a healthy dose (i.e. excessive) of swearing in amazing accents and deliveries, and most of all, as evidenced in the trailer, CHOICE, GOLDEN QUOTES. By that I don't mean dialogue that's all look-at-me-I'm-soooo-clever-and-trippy (I'm looking at you, Diablo Cody), but lines that are actually convincing and hilarious.

See what I mean? Tom Hollander (Mr. Collins in the film version of Pride and Prejudice!) is almost reminiscent of Ricky Gervais in The Office, and Peter Capaldi (Sid's dad in Skins!) is my anti-hero of all losery bully anti-heros and second favourite Scotsman after Craig Ferguson (suck it, Gerald Butler).

This is a government department, not some fucking Jane Austen novel.

Seriously, IR nerd or not, do yourself a favour and get on this. Then check out the TV show it's based on, The Thick of It, which I am searching up this very moment. And on that note I'll have to say, "Fuckity-bye-bye, then."

Summer baking

An ongoing/on-off project

Still on my detour: Micmacs à tire-l'arigot

I promise I will get back to those old Hollywoods (I started Roman Holiday) but continuing my French streak, I went to an advanced screening of Jean-Pierre Jeunet's new film at the Varsity a few days ago. Having seen and loved his quintessential Amelie and darker creation Delicatessen, I was understandably excited about Micmacs à tire-l'arigot, which translates into "madness all around."

Dany Boon plays protagonist Bazil, an unremarkable video store worker who memorises entire scenes of dialogue from movies. Caught as collateral damage in a freak shoot-out one night, he ends up losing his home and job and finds himself on the streets scraping by. When he discovers that the landmine that killed his father and the bullet lodged in his own head are respectively manufactured by rival arms companies, he plots revenge on both with a group of zany comrades who also lie on the margins of society. Think Ocean's Eleven, circus-style (there's even a contortionist). But instead of slick suits, high-tech gadgets and Clooney coolness, these ragamuffins get by on street-smarts and creative inventions made of scrap. Most importantly, they have the time of their life doing it, and their childlike glee is infectious.

The best thing to be said about Micmacs is that it is a funny, funny film -a rare compliment for most summer flicks that are blatantly marketed as "comedy." The mischievous ensemble cast are absolutely delightful and the overarching satire on arms trade and procurement is more refreshingly portrayed than Iron Man 2's run of the mill "oh noes evil privatised weapon manufacturers appropriating the army" spiel. Although there are some awkwardly placed moralising moments towards the end of the film, these are largely eclipsed by the master prank of epic proportions which leaves the credits rolling on a high note. It's not even a spoiler to say there's a happy ending by the way, because it is exactly Jeunet's world of dusty palettes and carnival music where you know shit's gonna go down for the bad guys and everything works out for the good ones.

Bjork at MOMA's "The Artist is Present"

Woman, dost thou not age???

I also kind of want to pinch her cheeks.

An open letter to Ryan Adams

Dear Ryan,

Let me begin by saying I really, really like your music. I will never tire of listening to Gold, I love what you did with the Cardinals, and I love Easy Tiger even though it was a bit of a whore for Starbucks. I love your endearing douchiness and pretensions in interviews, and I can put up with those hipster glasses and the bad blonde dye job you had and Mandy Moore because when you're on the ball with those lyrics and guitar, you are on. And when you dress well along with all that, you can be kind of hot.

See?

Needless to say, I was mildly devastated to learn that you were calling it quits for a while because of hearing problems -I haven't even had the chance to go to a concert yet. So to find out just today that you are coming out with a new album that was recorded back in 2006 should be incredibly joyous news right?

Except. WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE THIS.

Ryan, what are you doing? This is even more confusing than Halloweenhead. Why, WHY are you singing like that? Is this a tragic side-effect of being deaf in one ear? And did I just hear you scream "Metal, metaaal!" And can you explain to me what a "Sci-fi metal concept album" even is??!

Ryan, I need to tell you that only someone like Bob Dylan can get away with doing whatever the fuck he wants like put out a crazy, kind of terrifying and unlistenable Christmas album because well, he's Bob Dylan. But you, you can legit sing and play the guitar! Why pull a Joaquin Phoenix? Go back to country. Go back to harmonica intros. Go back to sweet female harmonies. Go back to lines like "Everybody wants to go forever/I just wanna burn up hard and bright." Just don't, you know, actually self-destruct like this.

Love,

Victoria

And now for something different: La Règle du jeu

So I ended up going on a tangent from Project Old Hollywood. But some of the more interesting things in life you stumble upon by mistake. In this case I was searching for "The Rules of Engagement" on YouTube out of boredom, and found "The Rules of the Game." When I realised it was a French film that had nothing to do with Neil Strauss, that sealed the deal. I've been meaning to brush up on my listening skills before leaving for Tours in July (cannot wait, by the way).

"La Règle du jeu" (1939) is directed by Jean Renoir, who is indeed the son of impressionist painter Pierre-Auguste Renoir.

Look familiar? Le Moulin de la Galette (1876)

The film depicts and satirises the personal, absurd and trivial dramas and conventions of the French upper-class before WW2. In the insulated world of high society, everyone is having an affair that everyone else knows about. Ready? Aviator Andre Juriex is in love with Christine who may or may not return those feelings but is married to Robert de la Chesnaye, who knows about his wife's affair and has a mistress himself called Genvieve, of whom Christine is also aware of. And then there's the triangle between Christine's maid Lisette, her husband Schumacher, and Marceau the new servant. Oh, and Renoir himself plays Octave, who tries to mediate Christine and Jurieux's relationship whilst dealing with his own possible affections for the madame.

Complicated? Personally I enjoy a film that demands your attention and kind of forces you to keep tabs on everything. The web of he-loves-she-loves relationships culminates in a big hunting party at La Colinière -la Chesnaye's country estate -in which all kinds of confrontations take place (and lots of dead rabbits). Suffice it to say that chaos ensues and approaches farcical heights. One of my favourite lines is when la Chesnaye, mid-fistfight with Juriex, stops and says "Yes a revolver just went off, what do you expect?"

I would compare this film to Shakespeare's problem plays in that you don't really root for anyone and are left with a kind of uneasy, "ick" feeling at the end. It's hard to feel sympathetic towards any of the characters not because they're scheming liars, but more because they're bad at it -or equally good. They're either kind of pathetic or kind of slimy. There is no master manipulator or villain -cheating and lying are almost normalised to the point of convention so that the intrigue of plotting, self-interest or bad intentions is lost. Those who are kicked out of the house are therefore exposed not for their infidelities, but for their lack of etiquette and proper conduct. Renoir essentially cheapens the art of backstabbing in a way that leads you to dryly conclude, "poor little rich people."

Existential Mathematics

"the degree of slowness is directly proportional to the intensity of memory; the degree of speed is directly proportional to the intensity of forgetting"

- Milan Kundera, Slowness

We all got mommy problems -celebrate them badass style.

"Suffering, then, is the fundamental notion of hedonism: one is happy to the degree that one can avoid suffering, and since pleasures often bring more unhappiness than happiness, Epicurus advises only such pleasures as are prudent and modest."

- Milan Kundera, Slowness

Project Old Hollywood: Singin' in the Rain

Having blazed through season 4 of Ugly Betty in 3 days and now catching up on House episodes, the couch potato in me wants to work my way through old Hollywood as well because, to borrow a cliche, they don't make 'em like that anymore. Besides, it's classy.

My housemate Emma and I finished "Singin' in the Rain" (1952) last night and adored it. Here's why:

1) The dancing. You know how people say how much fun life would be as a musical? Unfortunately musicals like this...

...would only make life an endless cycle of embarrassment. Now if my life was an extended tap dance sequence, that I would be more than happy with.

Wikifact: Debbie Reynolds' feet were bleeding after filming this sequence. She had no previous training in dance but had a gymnast background. Also, Gene Kelly insulted her lack of dance experience and was a dick to her in general. Fred Astaire found her crying under a piano and volunteered to teach her how to move like pro.

Gene: -10 for being a dick

Fred: +15 for being a gentleman

Debbie: +20 for sticking it to the bully

Speaking of points, the one who wins the most in my opinion is

2) Donald O'Connor. Yes yes, I know Gene Kelly is a total dreamboat...but see above for the jerk factor. Also, did you know he wore a toupee? That's a wig for those of you who don't know French. Not so dreamy now eh? Eh?

But back to the actual movie...O'Connor plays funny man Cosmo Brown, who totally stole my heart as the often neglected but much more intelligent and less douchey sidekick of film star Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly). As lovely as the eponymous song is with the lamppost and umbrella and a sexy drenched douchebag (har-har), Gene just doesn't.... make you laugh. Watch and learn buddy:

Donald O'Connor: +100 for pioneering Lady Gaga's piano quirks and running up the wall like a ninja

3) The metafilmajigness. In addition to being a delightful movie musical, "Singin' in the Rain" is also a really interesting and hilarious look at a seminal period in the history of film: the decline of silent movies and birth of talking pictures, or "talkies." This transition is nicely framed in the context of the successful The Jazz Singer (1927), the first ever motion picture that featured synchronised dialogue sequences (and a film worth watching in itself). In the face of this new technology and competition, John Lockwood and his unfortunately tinny co-star Lina Lamont (played by the beautiful Jean Hagen) try to follow suit in The Dueling Cavalier, a film-within-the-film that comically reveals all the problems of synchronising sound and image (see link since YouTube is a bitch and won't let me embed).

Up for more meta-trickery? Okay, so in the film Lina Lamont's voice is so terrible when it comes to making The Dueling Cavalier that Kathy Selden (Debbie Reynolds) has to dub all her lines and songs. In actuality however, they simply used Hagen's normal voice and Reynolds herself was dubbed for two of her songs. Gotta love it when Hollywood mindfucks with you like that.

At the risk of giving you some second-hand embarrassment, I leave you with this to rest my case that "Singin' in the Rain" is too cool for even Usher to emulate. Good job bro, but it just aint the same without a toupee.

I got mad skills from my mama.